'I HAD THE STRESS OF THE WORLD':
A REPORT ON YOUNG FATHERS IN MASSACHUSETTS
VIOLENCE AND THE CHILDREN
Although only one participant said he had struck the mother of his child, violence, or the threat of violence, was a constant presence in the lives of both the fathers and their children. Often the violence resulted from the culture of drugs and poverty in which some lived, but it also seemed to be a consequence of larger social problems, such as the prevalence of guns.
When there's violence when they're growing up, you know, when they get older, they'll probably be violent themselves. No matter how much I tried, you know, to have my son back, I never touched his mother. Never have we argued, you know, and (if we do) I send him in the other room. (But) she's done a lot of bad decision-making in relationships. So no matter how much I fight it, he's going to be exposed to it anyway. And that bothers me a lot. She'll get into a situation she can't handle, who's the first person she's going to call? Me. Because she knows we have a commitment of raising a child, and I'm always going to be there for this child. In a way, I don't feel like I should have to be there every time she makes a mistake, but I feel obligated to protect my son. I remember sleeping and getting a call at three o'clock in the morning. 'One of my ex-boyfriends came over. He's upset. He just broke into the house and he's upstairs, and I don't know what he's doing.' So I find myself in this situation where I've got to go in her house with my son in the house, beat the shit out of some guy and kick him out, and my son has to witness that because of her. It really bothers me.
I'll grab her, she'll grab me, and we'll start hustling around the kitchen. That's the way we show we're mad at each other, but we won't strike each other. And my daughter - well, my youngest daughter, she's almost three - she'll pick up a knife, a stick, or anything, and try to hit me and cut me with it, you know, because she's like, 'You're hurting my mommy.'
My second child, she's only 10 months old, but she starts crying when we start fighting and then when we stop everything is calm. The kid, you know, she relaxes and she senses that everything is all right, even though it might not be all right.
The violence, the drugs, this, that and every other thing is going to be. You really can't take them away from it. You can't hide it from them. They're going to see it. You just have to talk to them about it. You've got to let them know what the consequences are.... You've got to show them, especially like when they're coming up in their teens, they're young teens like 13, 14, and they're really starting to (want) hats, coats, whatever. They should be able to ask you. If they can't ask you, that's why they go out there and they stick somebody up for it. Take somebody, beat them up, and that's when it starts. You've got to open their minds before the street does, because it's going to happen either way.
Supposedly, my ex-wife has custody of the kids right now, but she did so many things wrong with that because she put a restraining order out on me for child abuse. Okay. And I talked with my daughter, and supposedly there's been - there's charges off of me, but there's not charges for her. She did stuff to my daughter that nobody knows about....
Introduction | The Project | Their Own Fathers | Becoming A Father | Life With Children | Family Conflict | Violence and the Children | In School | Money | The Law | Housing | Jobs and Dream Jobs | Improving the System | Findings | Recommendations