'I HAD THE STRESS OF THE WORLD':
A REPORT ON YOUNG FATHERS IN MASSACHUSETTS
FAMILY CONFLICT
Only a quarter of the young men lived with the mother of their child or children, and relationships between the two parents were frequently tense. Forty-one percent of fathers said that after the baby was born, their relationship with their girlfriend "went downhill." Half said they argued "a lot" with the mother of their child. The most frequently mentioned sources of conflict were money, access to the child, child custody and problems between the father and the mother's relatives. Though sometimes those problems were severe, resulting in serious estrangement or even violence between family members, the vast majority of the fathers - 90 percent - said that if their child's mother needed them, they would be there.
I didn't want to be with her no more, and she try to ruin my life. She got mad. She said, 'Well, if you're gonna break up with me you ain't gonna see your daughter.' I told her I was seeing my daughter. I said, 'Don't make me have to go to court for her because you're going to wind up losing.' At that point, she was living from home to home and I was in a stable home (and) working. I said, 'I don't want to do it to you .... I just want the right to see my daughter.' To this point, she's still playing her little-kid games. I get to see my daughter whenever she feels like it. It hurts me because she has a guy and my kid is calling him daddy. When I see her and want to go give her a hug and kiss, it hurts me because she turns away. She don't know me.
My son lives in the (name deleted) Projects, and I live two minutes away. I was always constantly trying to be there with my son. I'd go in the house and make sure that his room was all right, I'd make sure that they got food in the house. And it got to a point where she was like thinking that I'm trying to like take over things, and I'm really just trying to take over my son. And now she don't even - I can't go into the house anymore. She's like, 'You go into the house, I'm going to call the police. I don't want you in the house.' But I want to go in the house. I want to make sure my son's room is all set. You know, that they have food in the house and this and that.
It seems like we're men, we're supposed to be macho, we're supposed to be tough, we're not supposed to have feelings. But I don't know about anybody, but in the same month that my wife took my kid with her - in the same month, I cried more than I've ever seen any woman cry. I just broke down.
Every time a guy steps in the door, I throw her the rules: Don't let him try to be the father. Don't let him, because my son only got one father. She's like - she tell her boyfriend to come argue with me. And I'm the wrong person to come argue with.
When we first got together, it was all fine - happy, lovey family. But things don't work out. Either you're too young and you start growing apart, or things just never click, or when the baby comes there's too much stress on one of you and it starts affecting the relationship.
Taking your son is taking your life. If they take your son, you don't got a life.... It's like everyday they grab your soul. They pull your soul off your body and you don't got a life.
The mother, the mother goes, 'Oh you don't take time with me anymore. You don't love me. You don't give me any more attention.' Well, gee, there's a baby down there. I'm pretty sure he can't walk. He can't eat by himself. He doesn't change his own diapers. If he knew how to do it, it'd be a different story. But (it's) 'No, where's my attention?'
I provided for my kid and everything - I mean, I took care of the kid since he was born, til five months - and through all that, she still has the nerve to tell me I'm not a good father? Uh-huh. Believe me, I turned around and I smacked the (expletive) out of her. I did it, I did. No, don't you ever tell me that. I will not take that from anybody. Uh-huh. No girl. I'm too responsible for somebody to tell me that. I go crazy.
Me and my daughter, we're wicked close, but if there's anything I'd want, it's to be closer to my son. I don't get to see him as much as I want to.... I get to see him once a week. Yesterday was the first time in a while I got to take him out. I took him to the Aquarium. I used to get to bring him to my house for weekends and stuff all the time, but not anymore.
I'm going to court to take custody of my child. She leaves my child with everybody. You know what I'm saying? I wake up in the middle of the night, her girl's calling me, telling me to come get my baby. I'm like, 'What my baby doing with you?' You know what I'm saying? My baby should be at home sleeping with her moms or whatever. That's what I say.
I was locked up. She said, 'I don't want to see you no more.' I said, 'You don't have to see me. You're in a foster home. My son lives with your mother. (Your mother) told me I'm gonna have custody of my son, and she said I can come see him any day, any time I want.' So when I got out of jail, out of DYS, I called up: 'I want to see my son.' She was there. She said, 'No, I ain't ready to let you see your son.' 'What you mean, you ain't ready to let me see my son?' She said, 'No, I don't want to see you.' It was like that for a while. Then on Christmas she let me see my son. When I saw my son, I felt like crying, I felt like screaming. I didn't know what to do. I was so happy. I even got his name tattooed on my heart.
My oldest son's mother, her parents don't like me because of the color of my skin. That's a big problem right there. And my youngest, her family, I don't know, we just have conflicts, for what reason I still don't know. It bothers me, you know what I'm saying? I don't let it affect me or my kids, I don't take it out on them or nothing like that.
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